Monday, July 24, 2006

What's Going On in the Flower Bed?

So, it's around 8.30 am, Saturday morning. No surprise that the door to Double Wide's house is open—it's always open, to let in/out air and animals, I presume, as well as to simulate a barn-like atmosphere—and, again no surprise, the crap music is cranked up (the usual: cheesy metal or techno, but the other day he had Cyndi Lauper blasting, so he is full of some surprises). Anyway, I look over my shoulder and see Double Wide standing in his flower bed (correction: weed bed) and see … well, let's let the photos speak.

Hmm, is Double Wide having a morning piss? Note the ubiquitous ass-crack.

Uh oh, maybe he's about to throw up.

Yep, sure looks like he's throwing up.

Waitaminnit! He's not throwing up! He's shaving his head!

Yes, he's shaving his head (and, later, his chest) out on the front lawn. I can only speculate why he isn't doing this inside. No broom to sweep up the hair? He's heard that hair is good fertilizer for the weeds? He's so drunk he thinks he's inside? Or, perhaps, like everything else about him, it's just that he likes to conduct his business in his front yard for everyone to see.

And, yes, ladies: he's still single.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Just Who Is Double Wide?

Good question. For the last four years, the rental property across the street has been inhabited by a somewhat revolving cast of characters, but anchored by a trailer trash kid attending the local university. I call him Double Wide, because he seems to lack the requisite knowledge of how to live in a house, instead living his days as if he was in a trailer park. I have gone from irritation to resignation to, currently, intrigued pleasure at his daily antics. As long as he lives there—and, if he hasn't graduated or flunked out after four years, who knows how long he'll be able to stay a student—I will document his activities as they demonstrate his trailer trash lifestyle. Obviously, I have four years of stories to post, so these first few weeks should be rather rich in Double Widey-goodness.